My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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