MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
honey bunches of taint.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
