dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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