that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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