once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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