The maid of honor just puked.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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