i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
