So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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