just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
