it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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