Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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