Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
