I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
