if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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