i permit you to call me
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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