I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
