Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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