No stitches, just platelets and will power
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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