they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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