bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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