Only a mothe r could love this liver
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
