Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
