Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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