Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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