No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
