don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
