Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
