get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
