Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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