You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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