listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
