I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
