i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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