apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I will pee on everything he values.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
