That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
