my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
