also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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