I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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