I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
