went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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