I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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