She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
