The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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