I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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