I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
