Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
