Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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