rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We need a shit load of segways right now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
