please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
