I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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