Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
