Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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