"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
