Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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