My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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