So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
